Tag Archives: people


4 Mar



Here’s to you…tube!


So….I’ve started a youtube channel called HOLLYWOOD PARTY. I read a lot of books about Old Hollywood, shocker, and I tell you which ones are good and maybe introduce you to some new (old) stars that you might really enjoy. In addition to that, I’ve been writing my book, which is why this blog doesn’t see much action…for now. Please check out the old youtubes, and LIKE and SUBSCRIBE to HOLLYWOOD PARTY.


Fuzzy Lollipop Guild

20 May


So…a few of us at work were commenting on how extremely annoying chicks (like the kind who have baby voices…most likely because their uncle diddled them as a child) have boyfriends who willing put up with them, while I sit alone in my writing cave. Something isn’t right in the world.

One of my co-workers said, “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

I didn’t say there was. Thank you, butt lick.

Two more guys told me, “If I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d do you.”

Ughhhh. I’m so stoked to know that I’m good enough for you, but only after your first choice isn’t around anymore. And only for a quick lay. Finally, my prince has come! Example 1,869 of why I hate guys in my generation. They all have foot in mouth disease.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one who was having a weird day today. My friend Miss Carley summed up her day in a tweet, “Once again, I feel like Sugar Kane in SOME LIKE IT HOT: stuck with the fuzzy end of the lollipop.” If you’ve never heard of that expression, watch this.

I suggested we start a club, the Fuzzy Lollipop Guild.

So, if you have any fuzzy lollipop stories tweet us @laurensemar or @MissCarley and make sure to use #FLG. Or if you don’t tweet, you can comment below…even if it’s anonymously.

Don’t Ask

15 May

So…I write about a cornucopia of crap. I figured it was time to find out what exactly my “voice” is, and settle on a direction to go with on this blog thing. I stopped using a fake name and finally dot commed myself, so if anyone has a problem with anything I say, they can talk to me about it…and the one person who comments on my blog usually does.  (Seriously, could someone who’s NOT my Mom comment on here? I know other people read this, damn it!)

Although I have a B.A. in marketing, I didn’t really know how to brand myself. So, I asked my friends how they would describe me. Based off their descriptions, the likelihood of me dying alone, under a mountain of cats, is 100%.

This could be my uniform.

1. Curmudgeon.

Noun: A bad-tempered or surly person.

Synonyms: miser, skinflint, tightwad. 

Check out those synonyms. That’s pretty slick, Heather, calling a Scottish person a tightwad. That’s kind of like me asking if you’d like some potatoes for dinner, you crazy Irish mick.

I can’t really fight this.  I leave only at night to work out, stay up late and write about hating everyone. I’m mysterious, like a more articulate Batman. Being labeled a curmudgeon is nothing new to me but sadly, there’s already a blog called “The Sassy Curmudgeon” and she interviewed me a while ago as her “curmudgeon of the week.”

2. Sassy Broad

Just say bitch.

Let’s just cut to the chase. I don’t mind. I am one. Many people have informed me of this, which was so nice and un-bitchy of them! I don’t feel like constantly bitching. That’s all girls do and is also why I have more guy friends than girl friends. They’re so tedious.

Time to doll myself up for all those closet cases who want to date me!

3. Glamor.

No. But at least people think I’m well dressed. How could I write about fashion when I post photos of myself eating? I don’t have a passion about this topic. Plus, I can’t relate to modern fashion because I have big tits and a big ass. And, no, I’m not unhealthy. I ran 23.5 miles in three and a half hours last week. What did you do? That’s what I thought, shut your yap.

Basically, I learned that I’ve got the demeanor of a WWII veteran, but with style.

Maybe I shouldn’t have asked.

Such Is Life

6 May

Then your cat gets titty cancer and you die alone.

So…here are some true stories from my life that occurred in the past two weeks. I don’t really know what they say about me…how to become a hermit in 30 days or less, tips for a young cat lady, idiots and the people who hate them? All I know is, I’m wasting all my attractive years alone, dealing with the weirdest people possible and that’s not right.

At least it’s funny—in a sad way.

I always get crazy people at work, but rarely do I get people who make me feel freaking uncomfortable. I was dealing with a party of 20, twenty-somethings-my favorite-and half a hour into the meal someone new arrived. Picture this: a young woman dressed in biker gear. Got it? She’s also a lesbian midget in a motorized wheelchair. This was our interaction, note that her responses are highly over sexualized in tone:

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Crazy: I want your glasses on my face.

Me: Can I get you a drink for your mouth?

Crazy: Only if you feed it to me. (Flicks her tongue Gene Simmons style.)

I come back with her Coke.

Crazy: You can’t deny this. I love you.

Kill me.

Normally the only guys that try to flirt with me on the freeway are creepy gardeners. One afternoon, in stopped traffic, a twelve year old boy pops his head out of the back passenger window, points to me and mouths, “You,” points to himself, “Me,” then nods. What  a weirdo, I thought. Two minutes later he did it again to make sure I knew it was for me and made threw a bunch of air kisses and call me hand gestures.

Glad to know I’m popular with under-aged boys, says the girl whose preference is older men.

Just yesterday I had a black guy (duh, the only kind of guy that hits on me on a regular basis) ask me if I would do the Twist with him. I don’t know if that’s some new hip hop term for a sex move or what. He wanted me to hang out with him and his group of friends who tipped me less than 10% on an almost $300 check.

After all this nonsense, I had an emergency and subsequent melt down.

The photo isn’t mine: my skin and cat are not orange, nor are they this small.

One of the few things that doesn’t drive me to punch people in the face is my cat, Mr. Bojangles (yeah, that’s his real name. Do not call him Bojangles if you’re nasty.) I took him to the vet because I felt a lump. The Dr. asked if I’d realized the bump was next to his nipple. No, I don’t particularly enjoy molesting cats, if that’s what you’re getting at. She told me it could be breast cancer…on my male cat. Really? Only I would get a boy cat with titty cancer. After tests, three days of waiting and one bowl of raw cookie dough I am happy to say he’s fine but now I have to feel him up on a regular basis. At least someone in this house will be getting some action.

God had sparred my cat’s life, I was feeling pretty good and emerged from my cave. I drove up to hang out with my Granny’s 92 year old friend to talk about old movies and history. (I’m popular with the underage and senior crowds.) I had dinner with my parents at a friend of the family’s restaurant. The waitress knows them and overhead us talking about seeing Colin Quinn last month.

Waitress: Is that the comedian you guys saw?

Me: Yep.

Waitress: Yea, I watched that special and I didn’t get it.  I don’t think you have good taste in comedians.

Me: Shut your face.

In my experience, a way to get a good tip is to NOT insult your table’s taste in anything. My positive outlook on humanity came crashing back down to reality. I’m back in my writing cave and I won’t be coming out until next month when I go to New York  to visit my friend Taylor. I’m planning on seeing Colin at the Comedy Cellar, because I think he’s fabulous and because I “get it.” Maybe I’ll even meet a nice guy who’s smart….

TCM Film Festival 2012 Day 3: Dignity, Always Dignity

20 Apr

"You know what your problem is? You don't live, live, LIVE!"

So…I woke up on Saturday with a full knowledge that part of my day would be spent with Debbie Reynolds. That means, at least once this year, I woke up in a good mood. I met Alan at Club TCM for breakfast, during which there was a panel about ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.’ There goes my good mood!

Some day my coffee will come!

It was actually pretty interesting. The lady in charge of the Disney Archives was there. She not only talked about Snow White, but talked about 20,000 Leagues as well. The girls sitting in the booth with us were ALL about Disney. I could see one of them wanting to talk to me about it after they heard me answer something Alan had asked me about the the D23 Expo in Anaheim. My Bea Arthur look told her to think again.

The first movie we saw was ‘Auntie Mame’ at the Egyptian. I have always loved that movie, partly because Mame reminds me of my own Grandma. Very eccentric while being oddly lovable.  (My Mom thinks Grandma is more like Debbie Reynolds. Sorry Mom, “Life’s a banquet and most poor sons of bitches are starving to death,” sounds more like Grandma, right?) Todd Oldham spoke before hand about style. Set design and costumes are one of the most important parts of that film and both are gorgeous! Also, the woman in front of me had never seen the movie and was cracking up! I’m glad she enjoyed it and I didn’t give her a hard time about it, unlike the jerk I encountered at ‘Vertigo’ the previous day!

FUN FACT: Patrick Dennis, the man who wrote ‘Auntie Mame’ was married, had kids and was bisexual. He also was Ray Kroc’s (founder of McDonald’s) butler.

What do our "costumes" say about us as "characters?" Alan and I at a panel on costumes.

Instead of seeing Snow White or Thomas Crown Affair, we three went to a panel on costumes. The woman who designed the clothes in ‘Animal House’ and ‘Indiana Jones’ was speaking (and trying to sell a book.) She asked the crowd to look at their clothes and see what their look said about them. I looked down and thought, I’m a pretty put together person. Then, I looked around at the sea of Mom Jeans, sweatshirts tied around waists and the epic amount of frump that filled that room. A few days earlier I had a little tiff with a guy on Twitter. I freakin’ hate Twitter and the fact that I have to be on it to promote this blog chaps my ass. Anyway, this guy disagreed with me when I said there are very few youngsters at TCM…not that there’s anything wrong with that! He asked if I’d ever been to the Festival (all three years, douche bag) and said that he found it was full of really hip people.

Ok….sigh. Maybe this guy doesn’t want to face his own mortality because if he did he’d find that he’s no longer cool.  First of all, “hip people” never use the term “hip.” Second of all, I’m not wrong. Aside from a dozen people there, most patrons were not “hip.”

Roger making sure the brownie pie isn't poisoned.

We hit up The Grill for lunch, again. Just as good the second time around. I had ice cream for the first time in a year and it was freakin’ awesome! I HIGHLY suggest their brownie pie. After lunch, Roger went back for a nap and Alan and I went to see ‘Dr. No.’ I had never seen a James Bond movie on the big screen, so I went in with an open mind.

Bond Girls Maud Adams and Eunice Gayson with Ben Mankiewicz on Saturday at the 2012 TCM Classic Film Festival in Hollywood, California. 4/14/12 (Not my photo, it's by Mark Hill)

Two Bond girls were there. Eunice Gayson is so tini-tiny that she had to be helped up into the chair!  She commented that this film was the first time British ladies were “allowed” to be sexy. She played golf in a man’s dress shirt in the film…it’s a start I guess! She was defiantly more charming than Maud.  I liked the movie and wouldn’t be against watching more (older) Bond films. The sound was particularly good on this flick too, it probably helped that we sat next to the speakers!

We hustled over to Grauman’s for ‘Singing In The Rain.’ It was a full house in there. Debbie came out and looked AMAZING. I recorded the interview.

If you watch it you can hear me muttering about the assholes who were SO RUDE and came in and wandered around, trying to find seats, during her interview.

TCM: Next year, if people aren’t in their seats when the interview starts, tough tittie, you can go to it AFTER the interview is DONE.

I was pretty pissed.

That aside, Debbie could have talked for another hour because the audience (well, those who were sitting down!) were eating it up!

After the movie Gene Kelly’s widow, Patricia Ward Kelly, spoke. (And yes, more rude people got up and left during her time.) She apparently has 10 years worth of interviews from Gene and did back up Debbie’s comment about Gene having a hair piece. I was shocked because it’s looked really good for fake hair! She also said the Moses number (above) was, what Gene thought, his best tap number ever. It is pretty great.

Alan talked me into seeing ‘Marathon Man.’ I’d heard it was really scary and I’m a total wuss, but I trusted him. While we were waiting in line we met a woman born in 1928, she was pretty bad ass, and we also waited in line with Brett Ratner. He’s the d-bag who said bad things about gay people, then got fired from directing the Oscars last year…yea that guy, NOT hip, just in case you were wondering.

Before the movie Robert Evans spoke. He was a producer at Paramount in the 70’s  and responsible for movies like ‘Love Story,’ ‘ Chinatown,’ and ‘The Godfather.’ He also USED to be pretty hot. Used to is the key word.

Evans today: This is why I wear sunscreen.

His voice is ruined from decades of smoking, so he was hard to understand, but he sure does think a lot of himself. He did say that when the movie was made Lawrence Olivier had cancer and was broke. Because of this role, he was able to get jobs and lived for another 13 years.

Is it safe?

I LOVE Dustin Hoffman, but Lawrence Olivier MADE this movie. What a creepy bastard. During the  scene that I was afraid of,  Alan told me to cover my eyes and ears, but before I did, I saw a number of people trickle out because they couldn’t handle it either. Evans said when the movie was originally released people would RUN out of the theater during that scene.

I’m planning on going to New York this year and this movie didn’t help me think that city is very safe. Basically, some old Nazi could slit my throat in the middle of a crowd and no one would stop him. I’m dead meat.

The movie ended at about midnight and I went to bed with creepy thoughts of Lawrence Olivier cleaning my teeth! UGH!

TCM Film Festival 2012 Day 1: Divine Decadence,Darling!

17 Apr

Screening of Cabaret on Thursday at the 2012 TCM Classic Film Festival in Hollywood, California. 4/12/12

So…I’ve been looking forward to my first vacation in a year for a while now. Well, for almost a year actually! On Thursday I took Roger with me for my third TCM Film Festival. I had such a great time at the Roosevelt last year that we stayed there again. We got there early enough to lounge by the pool before I had to leave to get all fancied up before the big red carpet event later that night.

The sun came out for a hot second while we lounged by the pool.

Clearly, I don’t belong in the sun, nor do I spend any amount of time in it, so we headed inside after a few minutes. Club TCM was already poppin,’ we ran into Kevin, this was his third festival as well. He was planning on seeing 15-17 films at the Festival. Whoa!

The TCM photographer caught me telling Roger a story.

The famous Givenchy dress that Audrey Hepburn wore in ‘Sabrina’ was on display at the Club. I was very excited to see it because I’ve been in love with that dress since I was 12!  Audrey really was a stick, I couldn’t fit my leg into it!

THE dress.

I left Roger and went down to Studio DNA to get my hair and make up done. I bumped into a lady I met there from the festival last year, Jessica, who’s young son is a HUGE TCM fan. She’s always fun to chat with and I was happy to see her again. When I got back to the hotel, Roger and I went and got our TCM goodies before getting dressed. My bag weighed about 15 pounds and I was so excited to see what was in there.  Until I pulled out this cup…

I can't get away from Disney.

Alan, from last year, called and said he was in the lobby. I threw my dress on and Roger put on one of his gorgeous suits and we headed out! The lobby was packed with people drinking, eating and chatting before the movie. Alan happened to find Zillah, a super funny and feisty lady we met at last year’s Vanity Fair party. There was also a line to get your photo taken, but that seemed a little too Prom like, so we all passed on that treat.

Reunited: Alan, Zillah, and myself.

Alan, Roger and I all headed over to Grauman’s. As soon as we stepped onto the red carpet we heard the crowd roar. Now, I know I’m a fun chick but my ego is not so out of whack that I thought it was for me! So I turn to my left and saw that we were entering at the same time as Liza…with a Z!


Whatever anyone says about her looking bad is a load of crap! She looked fantastic! Because everyone spazzed out when she arrived, the security tried to push us down the carpet and into the theater. Yeah…no. I had to take pictures, last year I only got two on the carpet and I was determined to change that this year!

Holding a pose while security tried to get pushy. Tough luck, fellas!

Roger fits right in on the red carpet!

As we moved down the Yellow Brick Road and I spotted one of my favorite stars, Debbie Reynolds!

Me and the back of Debbie's fabulous head!

Sure my photo with her wasn’t as good as the one from last year, but beggars can’t be choosers! I did find a better one of us on the TCM website.

Where's Waldo? Debbie Reynolds on the red carpet on Thursday at the 2012 TCM Classic Film Festival in Hollywood, California. 4/12/12 (with Roger and I)

As you can see there were bleachers set up for the fans to watch the arrivals. It’s actually a really great idea if you want to see a bunch of stars all at once…and who doesn’t? In those seats I saw Kevin and his parents.

Kevin, in the back row, with his parents (on the left..the ones that look like him!)

I didn’t snap a photo of all the celebrities I saw there but some notables were Larry Hagman, Patrick Duffy and Linda Grey. Apparently Dallas is a TV show again because God forbid Hollywood have any new ideas anymore.

Alan and I before heading in to get some popcorn.

In the lobby of Grauman’s were a bunch of gorgeous old costumes and Mickey Rooney, who was just hanging out. He’s 91 and looks pretty freakin’ good considering the fact that he’s out lived his costars by decades!

Liz Taylor's dress, designed by Edith Head, from ' Place in the Sun.'

Liz Taylor's jewelry from 'Cleopatra.'

We took a seat and ended up sitting one row behind Mickey Rooney, that was pretty cool. A woman with HUGE titties sat next to him…good for him. Robert Osborne talked to Liza, Joel Grey and Michael York. Liza is fantastic but that woman can not finish a sentence to save her life. Everything goes like this, ” How was Fosse?  He was, (makes a noise and shakes her whole body), you know!” WHAT? That is not an answer, but everything freaking LOVED it!!

The movie was great, I related to Sally Bowles and her HORRIBLE gaydar. Poor thing, I know how it goes. (Makes a noise and shakes my whole body.)

Now THIS is a party!

After the movie, the Spotlight passholders were funneled into buses and taken to the Vanity Fair Party on Sunset Blvd. We sat next to Bill Wellman Jr.’s wife. She was very nice and talked to us about the original ‘A Star is Born,’ ‘Wings’ and her famous father in law.

I am the second person in my family to go to a party for Liza Minnelli. My Grandma went to a party thrown for Liza’s first birthday. Apparently she was given a doll that she didn’t like and tossed it on the ground. Her manners have improved!

Inside the Vanity Fair Party.

Roger wasn’t with us for this one so, after getting a drink, Alan and I sat out in the courtyard near a fire and ended up seeing Patrick Duffy & Eva Marie Saint. We moved inside when it started to rain, it does that sometimes in LA, and listened to the  great band playing over the bar. Typical of Hollywood parties, the booze was flowing, the food was almost nonexistent! We stayed until they told us to leave, a little after midnight. The buses dropped us back at the Roosevelt, we had some fries at 25 Degrees and I made it back to the room at about 3AM-ish because I had to get up for breakfast at 8AM. Roger was already passed out. A sign of a successful first day!