So…I write about a cornucopia of crap. I figured it was time to find out what exactly my “voice” is, and settle on a direction to go with on this blog thing. I stopped using a fake name and finally dot commed myself, so if anyone has a problem with anything I say, they can talk to me about it…and the one person who comments on my blog usually does. (Seriously, could someone who’s NOT my Mom comment on here? I know other people read this, damn it!)
Although I have a B.A. in marketing, I didn’t really know how to brand myself. So, I asked my friends how they would describe me. Based off their descriptions, the likelihood of me dying alone, under a mountain of cats, is 100%.
This could be my uniform.
1. Curmudgeon.
Noun: A bad-tempered or surly person.
Synonyms: miser, skinflint, tightwad.
Check out those synonyms. That’s pretty slick, Heather, calling a Scottish person a tightwad. That’s kind of like me asking if you’d like some potatoes for dinner, you crazy Irish mick.
I can’t really fight this. I leave only at night to work out, stay up late and write about hating everyone. I’m mysterious, like a more articulate Batman. Being labeled a curmudgeon is nothing new to me but sadly, there’s already a blog called “The Sassy Curmudgeon” and she interviewed me a while ago as her “curmudgeon of the week.”
2. Sassy Broad
Just say bitch.
Let’s just cut to the chase. I don’t mind. I am one. Many people have informed me of this, which was so nice and un-bitchy of them! I don’t feel like constantly bitching. That’s all girls do and is also why I have more guy friends than girl friends. They’re so tedious.
Time to doll myself up for all those closet cases who want to date me!
3. Glamor.
No. But at least people think I’m well dressed. How could I write about fashion when I post photos of myself eating? I don’t have a passion about this topic. Plus, I can’t relate to modern fashion because I have big tits and a big ass. And, no, I’m not unhealthy. I ran 23.5 miles in three and a half hours last week. What did you do? That’s what I thought, shut your yap.
Basically, I learned that I’ve got the demeanor of a WWII veteran, but with style.
Maybe I shouldn’t have asked.
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