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NEW POST

6 Jul

NEW POST over on my NEW SITE!!!!

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MOVIN ON UP!!

29 Jun

jeffersons

Hey! I jumped ship and am now over at Squarespace with laurensemar.com

Please head over there and check out my new blog and SUBSCRIBE!!!!

 

A Book by Desi Arnaz PLUS an Unsolved Mystery!

11 May

So…this was one of the best autobiographies I’ve ever read. Desi Arnaz was someone who got made fun of for his accent, but as a writer, he simplifies the inner workings of early TV and has a better vocabulary than most people I speak with on a daily basis! This is super fast paced, so if you do read this (which you totally should!!) you won’t be able to put it down until it’s done.

Also, there is one mystery in the book that even I can’t figure out. If you can, PLEASE let me know!!

#Spring Book Haul

2 May

IMG_2054So…My Spring Book Haul is up on my Booktube channel. I talk about books I picked up at TCMFF, the LA Times Book Fair and from my birthday. All the books are linked on youtube if you scroll down and hit SHOW MORE. HAPPY READING!!

HOLLYWOOD PARTY

4 Mar

 

bdeye

Here’s to you…tube!

 

So….I’ve started a youtube channel called HOLLYWOOD PARTY. I read a lot of books about Old Hollywood, shocker, and I tell you which ones are good and maybe introduce you to some new (old) stars that you might really enjoy. In addition to that, I’ve been writing my book, which is why this blog doesn’t see much action…for now. Please check out the old youtubes, and LIKE and SUBSCRIBE to HOLLYWOOD PARTY.

I’ve Made A Huge Mistake

26 Jul

hmj

So…last year I quit serving and started assisting in a salon in Beverly Hills, all so I could have more time to write. Scroll down to my last blog post. It’s dated December 1st. That went well, didn’t it? Normally, my writing is the best when I’m annoyed with something. My assisting job took me way past annoyed, all the way to soul crushing shit fest. While serving, I said white women are among the worst people to serve. So what did I do? Start to work in the state’s capital of entitled, rude, and incredibly dumb, white women. And in a profession that is 99.9% women. Genius.

llhm

The clients were not as bad as “the ladies” I worked with . I understand if you are 18-22 and currently in a sorority and that’s all you’re about. Cool, fine. If you are in your mid to late 30’s and are constantly saying, “D G,” or “Zeta,”  look in the mirror. Hard. That 22 year old is gone and that bought and paid for sisterhood crap makes me want to puke. I never got a lunch and couldn’t go to the bathroom unless I asked permission. Power trip much? What I really adored  were the shitty comments about my weight. Really, a treat. So, between being miserable, poor and not writing, I finally ended that job. Struggling is not worth it sometimes. I’ve worked since I was fourteen and a half and to truly HATE a job, messed me up. Severing can be frustrating but in all the years I have been serving, I think I’ve cried twice because of it. Working with mean, mean girls turned me into a hot mess.

kill yourself jenna

I will never assist anywhere again. It’s basically indentured servitude, and I’m too old and don’t care enough about hair to do that again. So, while going for drinks at TCMFF this year, I literally ran into an old manager of mine. He asked what I was doing in a hour…it’s TCM, drinking. Duh. He told me to come down and meet his GM, so in between martinis I got a job. Serving at a touristy location (Hollywood and Highland) seemed like a perfect fit with my background. Great, I got hired… and then didn’t get trained for one and a half months.

potcat

Again, I was at a terrible job, I couldn’t handle the INCREDIBLY terrible tips and trashy clientele. This place was pretty much Chuck E. Cheese for adults. My first night there I had to get security to kick a guy, who was strung out on heroin, off one of my tables. Since I’m a white devil, I can’t say what I really think and KNOW to be true as a server, I will let this clip from Louie do it for me.

My co workers were nice, that’s the only good thing I can say about the place.

igoterrands

Now I’m back at an Italian joint. It’s much nicer than the last Italian restaurant I worked at. Why? There are NO HIGH CHAIRS. I thought I died and went to Heaven. The only nuisance I have are the overly medicated housewives who can’t remember what they ordered and want to fight about it. I guess being wealthy and not having to work can be really stressful for some people. I’d love to try it out and let you know but, that’s not in the cards yet. Now that I’m back in my comfort zone, I’ve started writing again and I’ve been out to see 3 different classic films this week alone.

I tried something new and it sucked a fat choad. Sure, I was mad for a little while, but I’m not married and don’t have any kids, so I have the freedom to try new things. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, everyone my age who has children and thinks they are superior.

I’m Watching You

1 Dec
DIRT

Actually, I am mad at you AND the dirt.

So….I’m getting really fed up with how DISGUSTING adult women are. I’m surrounded by them all day at work so I have plenty of time to obverse them in all their foul glory. I don’t know why I’m a germ freak. Probably because I grew up with Joan Crawford reincarnated as my father (impossible since they both lived during the same time…but you get the picture…TINA!!) or from working at the most disgusting theme park on Earth. Watching kids eat boogers or deep dig their b-holes and parents change dirty diapers in a restaurant made me think everyone is gross as hell. I’m not wrong. Either way, people gross me out and now, let me share how my mind works to freak you out.

life's going down the toliet

Like most people, I require the usage of the bathroom while I’m at work. One day, while washing my hands, I noticed the soap was out on one of the sinks. Another woman came out of a different stall and used the soapless sink. I told her it was out and she said, “Oh, whatever.”

hmmmmmm

Seriously? You’re disgusting. That was NOT the only time I encountered women NOT washing their hands. Women, what is going on? I don’t care how many layers of toilet paper were between you and your butt, the bottom of your palm and your wrist were open to the a stray fart or dingle berry…or worse, a queef. Then, what are you going to do? Touch the door that I need to touch, cups, your cellphone! Yea, your cellphone will have fart residue. Sick ass.

bitch face

Didn’t wash your hands? Hmm.

 

Also, how about making sure the automatic flushing toilet ACTUALLY flushes so no one else has to share in that watery deuce.  Is it grossing you out?? Yeah I know! It is gross. I’m sure some weirdos will think I’m doing some form of shaming. I am. This is gross, everyone who sees this occurring in real life should give a bitch look or make a comment under their breath or if you have guts…to the nasty ass face of the disgusting, non-hand washers out there.

 

Bangarang, Robin

11 Aug

peter pan

So…I don’t really feel like smiling for the rest of the week after hearing this depressing as fuck news today. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Robin Williams affected my generation’s childhood tremendously. Between 1989-1998 he was in NINE films that were for kids. Don’t want to look them up, I respect your laziness and honesty: Dead Poets’ Society, Hook, Furngully, Aladdin, Toys, Mrs. Doubtfire, Jumanji, Jack, and Flubber. As you read that list I’m sure you said to yourself, “Oh I loved that movie, that one was good too…oh man.” Yeah, this is shitty.

ruffio

I know some people who don’t like Hook, I believe those people have no soul. I can’t watch that movie without crying. It’s got everything, nostalgia, fear of growing up, old people, parents connecting with kids, early cellphones, Dustin Hoffman in drag again (that wig, guys), Christmas time.  I can’t even watch that movie right now because I’ll lose my marble….just like Tootles.

rodney

When I was 2nd grade Aladdin came out and like every new Disney movie, that was the coolest shit I had ever seen. I had all the books, coloring books, had the soundtrack MEMORIZED. But the best character was, duh, the Genie. The character was pre-Shrek and had plenty of jokes just for the parents…and the weird little kid, me, who knew who Groucho Marx, Rodney Dangerfield and Jack Nicholson were. I remember telling my teacher that I wanted to be like Robin Williams and Bette Milder. That kind of freaked her out because, as I would find out as I got older, both of those celebrities were realllllllly raunchy prior to the Disney-fication of their careers.

doubtfire

Best makeover scene in filmdom is in Mrs. Doubtfire. It was Robin at his best, Gloria Swanson, Cuban woman, old Yiddish lady, Streisand….all with Harvey Firestein. What more could you want? I have a Scottish grandmother and all of my friends thought she was like Mrs. Doubtfire….except not a dude.

robin

I’m pretty sure everyone had to watch this in their high school English class. Partly because it was a great film and partly because the teacher showing it wished they still  had the passion Robin had for his students. Hell, I wish I had an English teacher that passionate, he was kick ass in this movie.

hug

Not that anyone is a fan of death, but suicides are horrible. I’m not a super genius like him, but I’m sure it wasn’t easy living in that amazing, wacky brain. Hopefully people will rediscover some of his films and hilarious stand up specials. And, on a side note, although this event put the kibosh on the terrible idea of Mrs. Doubtfire 2, I am CERTAIN it will not stop Disney from making their 53rd Aladdin movie.

I Hate Hippies

5 Aug

hippie3 

So…my boyfriend took the Bar last week and requested that I cook him dinners. He said that all the other guys’ girlfriends cooked for them during the Bar. After going to a “grocery store” in LA, I call bullshit.

I went to a Whole Foods. For those of you who don’t know what this place is, its what people in LA think a grocery store is….except it’s not a grocery store. Well, if you don’t cook or eat, then it TOTALLY is a grocery store.

They didn’t have any aluminum pans and no Pyrex casserole dishes. Instead, they sell vinyl records and have a DJ who plays them. There’s plenty of yoga mats and maxi dresses, as well as hand made, organic soaps. The medicine isle was full of people on their phones looking up what the hell naturalistic, holistic, horse crap was in the bottle…the answer is always NyQuil dummies!   

What really set me over the edge was when I looked for a potato peeler. I got the potato masher I was looking for…$12 later!!! I couldn’t see a peeler, so I asked. The worker said it was over where I had been. Dude, it’s not. By that point I was pissed off enough to look at every price label to see if they EVER carried a peeler. NO, they did not.  

hippies

Also, for those of you who don’t live in LA, you have to bring your own grocery bags to the store with you OR ELSE pay for them. As I left, there were two people in yellow vests. I figured, this must be like Costco and they want to check my receipt. I stopped to pull it out of my purse when I heard one of them say, ” I’m from Amnesty International and would like to talk to you about women’s rights.” SERIOUSLY? I said no thanks and got the hell out of there.

budder

I understand eating healthy, but this place and the people who go there frequently are nut jobs. It’s like the emperor has no clothes up in there. ‘We’re cooking healthy, but we don’t really know how to cook. As long as it tastes like hell, it must be good for me.’ I’d rather eat something yummy and enjoy my life, than eat “raw food” and shit my brains out 3 times a day because of all the fiber I’m cramming down my kale hole. 

Going back to what my boyfriend said about all the other guys’ girlfriends cooking for them. How could they if they can’t even buy a freakin’ potato peeler?!? Here’s some of the awesome, none kale dishes I made. I am awesome, suck it hippies: pork chops, spaghetti, salad, apple cobbler, garlic knots, BBQ chicken,cornbread, twice baked loaded potatoes, lamb chops, monkey bread. 

Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal

16 Dec

Trainer and Trainee: 7 years later

So…I’ll take a break from my justified bitterness and post about something cheerful; only because there was epic amounts of booze involved.

I went to the Cast Member Party this week. I hadn’t been in a few years, mostly because I can’t stand strollers and…who am I kidding? It’s really because I can’t stand people in general!

Roger had been at the park all day…with a child (!!!), so we met up at Trader Sam’s for a MUCH needed drink(s) before entering all that “magic.”

Uh-oha!

Our drink was amazing for a few reasons; it was on fire and it was gigantic. It’s a good thing we had one of these because the party isn’t just for park employees, it’s now for people from the studios in Burbank.  The whole purpose of the party is for employees to enjoy the park without the crowds.  Well, that idea was completely shot to sh*t!

Disgruntled Roger

As we entered the marshmallow world, Roger saw a lot of couples and made him miss coming to the park with his boyfriend. Funny, I don’t miss going to the park with my gay boyfriend!

The Laughin' Place

One good thing about it being freezing cold was that Splash Mountain had no wait. I mean, we were the ONLY people on the ride, which never happens!

We bypassed New Orleans Square because there were still too many people out for me to tolerate and headed to Fantasyland, which was actually pleasant to be in…for once!

The semester's over Rog, give it break!

After riding Snow White for the millionth time, I came to a conclusion. That ride is a horrible and confusing attraction for children. A crazy old witch keeps popping out at you, then the dwarfs murder her and finally, happy ending, get the hell off the ride… WHAT?!

See Mom, I'm eating healthy!

The Carousel was empty as well, basically everyone was on Haunted Mansion Holiday. Yawn, Roger and I used to work that, no big whoop!

Hello peasants!

This is an adorable photo, I don't care what you say Roger!

Over at Dumbo they now hand out wooden crow’s feathers to hold so the cast members know how many people are going to be riding. The Joan Crawford in me came out, that is disgusting. I know they don’t wipe those things off and babies with booger hands have been touching them all day long. Yuck!

Roger was the one in charge of flying, I don't know why he was so scared!

I also have issues with the submarine ride. If this was 1968, the seating would be perfect on that ride. NOW, when everyone is a complete fat ass…one of those subs is going to sink. I also don’t appreciate the chub over floating onto me from the guy on my right. Ew.

Speaking of chub, we hit the corn dog stand. That place is more fine dining than where I work and the quality of food is more consistent too!

If that sign knew anything, it would know the only thing worth celebrating are the corndogs.

How do they expect me to eat this?

As much as I love the corn dog cart, I don’t love the pervy guy that was watching me through the shrubbery as I attempted to eat it. You’re one sick bastard dude.

Finally we made it over to Pirates….to judge everyone. I don’t miss working there at all, but we both agreed that we could still load a boat better than the new people who now inhabit that ride.

The cast party is a nice (fake) gesture, even though the majority of us have to work every holiday because we work for a company that likes the public to think they care about families, when all they really care about is the moolah.