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6 Jul

NEW POST over on my NEW SITE!!!!


Food Babies

12 Jun

Jacques Torres, just another stop on Tour de Fat.

So…after our whirlwind first day, we got up at a decent hour and went out for brunch. I have never had brunch. There are two good reasons  for that; I hate waking up early and my Mom makes better pancakes than restaurants. Since I was on vacation and trying new things, why not brunch? We walked up to this place called Good Enough To Eat. Along the way we passed the Beacon Theater where they were setting up for the Tonys.

Beacon Theater.

Then we heard a loud rumble. Apparently there was a Jewish parade going on that morning and, believe it or not, I saw a HUGE group of Jewish bikers. I thought it was hilarious!

Jewish Hell’s Angels.

When we got to the brunch place, the line was ridiculous! I was not pleased about what I had gotten myself into. Let me just say that if you are sitting on a small restaurant patio eating brunch and you are finished eating and just sitting there…the entire line of people who are waiting to eat  HATE you and are about 5 seconds from killing you.

The place was funny to me because it was city people decorating how they think country folk decorate. So, lots of quilts and wooden cows. Our waiter was from Ireland. This restaurant was all over the place! Thank God the food was good!

Brunch: Potato/egg scramble thing, biscuits and gravy, bacon waffles and strawberry butter, french toast, and an omelet.

After brunch. Ughhhh.

Pregnant with food babies, we walked down the street and came across a bunch of kids at a lemonade stand. They were wheeling and dealing, two lemonades and you get a free cookie, one lemonade and one cookie for a dollar. These kids were just trying to make a buck!

Lemonade stand prices have gone up since I was a kid. A dollar! What happened to 25 cents?

After eating our weight in breakfast foods, the next logical thing to do would be to go shopping, right? We went down to the GIGANTIC Macy’s on 34th Street. I never knew I needed that much Macy’s but apparently, me and the world, does.

Oh yes, rain. AGAIN!

As soon as we got there, it started to down pour. We went in, got our discount coupon for being out of state visitors (AWESOME!) and I went to look for actual shoes. After a day of walking all around the city in flats, I couldn’t hang anymore.

Wooden escalators at Macy’s and the shoes I wore for 30 minutes.

We went to the men’s shoe floor and looked for shoes for Johnny…that is the 7th circle of Hell. All the employees on that floor hate themselves and everyone else. It was horrible. I got some slip on tennis shoes in the Junior department, which helped me walk across the street to the Sketcher store to buy some actual sneakers.

Heaven in shoe form.

I NEVER wear sneakers. When I was 15 &16, I walked all over Paris and the UK in flip flops. Guess who’s getting old? Frick! That said, I love Sketcher’s Go Walk shoes. They saved my life on this trip!

We went back and took a rest before continuing on ‘Lauren and Kim’s How To Become Obese in Two Days or Less’ food tour of New York. We ended up going to Angelo’s of Mulberry Street in Little Italy. Honestly, I’m amazed we made it because our cabbie almost killed us twice on the way there. They’re freakin’ nutty drivers there.

Kim and I in Little Italy. Check out my nice outfit and sneakers…what a tourist!

As soon as we got to Angelo’s, the waiter, who was like an Italian Curly from the Three Stooges, told Johnny to sit in his section. Clearly, they knew each other. Our waiter’s name was Jimmy…not very Italian. I mean, when my Scottish Granny can’t remember most guy’s names, so she refers to them as Jimmy.

Jimbo brought us out a starter that he put together for us. That was the best tomato I have ever eaten.

Best Antipasto EVER!

I ordered angel hair pasta with arrabiata sauce and sausage. Holy God. I could die happy if that was my last meal. The pasta melted in my mouth because it was fresh made. SO good. Johnny had veal and fettuccine alfredo, which was like buttah! Kim had some kind of seafood medley pasta dish…I’m sure it was good but I don’t eat fish, so I’ll take her word on it!

Me, Johnny and Kim…not yet uncomfortably full.

As we sat outside, enjoying our meal, this impromptu parade for St. Anthony rolled down the street. There was a band behind the people carrying the statue, playing some Godfather-esque music. I felt like I was on a studio backlot watching a movie be shot. Best dinning experience ever. Jimmy, was crackin’ jokes with us and talking to people in Italian. He was great!

Jimmy, me, Johnny and Kim.

Yes, we were full, but of course we had to have dessert! Cannolis and cappuccinos…except for Kim, who had another glass of wine. And why not, we were on vacation!

Kim, enjoying her wine…a lot.

Enjoying more dairy. I regret nothing.

As soon as Johnny went to the bathroom, a really old Italian guy who worked at Angelo’s came over to me and said, Molto Bella!” Old guys always like me, what can I say? At a table caddy corner from us sat a guy, sipping on a coffee, all alone. He asked us where we were from. He said all the guys were guessing and he thought we were from Chicago. (Nice ice breaker dude.) He was very chatty and when Johnny came back,  told us  that normally he would give his number to one of us girls, but out of respect to Johnny, he gave his information to him. Wow…that would never happen in California. Never.

Johnny is half dead in the back of the cab after the food orgy at Angelo’s.

We went back home to get our first good amount of sleep after our epic day of eating. Angelo’s, best meal of the trip, hands down.

I Like New York in June…

2 Jun


So…I didn’t think I was going to make it to NYC but long story short, I did. I’m traveling with my friend Kim and staying with her uncle in Manhattan  I’ll go into more details when I get home but so far in one day I’ve been all over Central Park, Top of the Rock, St. Patrick’s Cathedral, a big ass street fair on 6th Ave., Columbus Circle, and (cover your ears Mom) a bunch of bars last night.
The men out here are million times more aggressive, which I love, but the young ones are still stupid. Example:
Dummy: You’ve got the best dirty blonde hair, it looks almost natural.
I just stare at him.
Dummy: I smoke a lot of weed.
I shot Kim’s uncle a look and he got the guy to leave.
Tonight we’re hitting Lombardi’s and Time Square. Tomorrow: my first brunch ever, TR’s house, the Met. Monday: maybe living out my Tootsie fantasies at the Russian Tea Room and Colin Quinn at the Comedy Cellar. Tuesday: Yankee game.
I don’t have a lot set in stone, I just want to have a bunch of experiences. Yes Heather, I know how gay that sounds, but you can go screw yourself!

Fade In

18 May

This was WAY better when I was eight.

So…while preparing for my impending cosmopolitan vacation, I’ve realized that everything I’ve learned about New York has been through the movies. And oddly enough, mostly from horrible, cheesy, comedies. (Although all my fears about the city come directly from ‘Law and Order.’ Thanks Lenny Briscoe.)

I had forgotten all about ‘Big Business’ until I caught it on Showtime late one night. I used to love that movie…when I wanted to be just  like Bette Midler (I was a weird little kid.) I thought I was more like the harsh, business minded, New York version of Bette, but I’m from Bakersfield, therefore making me the country bumpkin version—damn it.  After coming to that realization, I don’t know if I really want to run into a harsher version of me, especially after finding out what people already think of the current version!

My future BFF.

‘Home Alone 2’ taught me that not all homeless people are crazy, meth addicted,  hookers, like they are in L.A. Some of them are down on their luck women who got divorced and their families forgot all about them. I’ll keep an eye out for the nice bird lady in Central Park who needs a friend and would rather have a Christmas ornament than some cash.

Of course the movies have taught me all about romance. One of two things can occur when you fall in love with someone in New York; 1: the guy can be nice but not hot and 2: if he is hot, as punishment, something horrible will happen to you.

Girls in Manhattan trying to land a perfect man…guess Carrie Bradshaw wasn’t that unique after all.

This happened a few times in ‘How To Marry A Millionaire.’ Lauren Bacall falls for an unattractive millionaire and Marilyn Monroe goes for a guy because they both wear glasses (what a stupid reason to like someone!) and who’s running from the mob. Really? I’ll stay single and go hang out with my crazy bird lady friend, thanks.

“I hate you Harry, I really hate you.”

I already have a best guy friend who’s a total push over, I can NOT handle another one. NEXT!

“It’s all in the family.” Gross.

Say I do meet a hot guy like Bill Holden, but end up getting passed around the family like a high class call girl. Is it worth it? Not if I end up with Bogart. (Seriously, ‘Sabrina’ is kind of a sick movie if you think about it.)

“The Empire State Building is the closest thing to heaven in this city.”

‘Love Affair’/’Affair to Remember’/’Sleepless in Seattle.’ (Um, it’s time for some new script ideas Hollywood…come on.) Basically if you get the chance to suck face with Cary Grant at the top of the Empire State Building, your hormones will cause you to go frickin’ nuts, run out in front of traffic and get hit by a car. Tempting as a yummy guy like Cary is, I like walking.

As much as I love ‘Funny Girl,’ this movie has taught me that even if a hot man likes you because you’re funny, he’ll gamble away all of your hard earned cash and then ask for a divorce. That is a horrible tale. I don’t know what’s worse, losing the ability to walk or all your money. Actually, I’m a total tightwad, so I think we all know what’s worse for me.

“Zap him right in the ba-doobies.”

And, of course, a drag queen will fall in love with me…really,  that would happen in any city with my track record.

Why was Meg Ryan in every Rom Com for a good 20 years?

If none of these potential adventures happen, I have one last movie plot to count on. Time travel! I could jump off the Brooklyn Bridge and be transported back to the late 1800’s just like in that cinematic masterpiece, ‘Kate & Leopold.’  Honestly, let’s face it, this seem like a most fool proof out of all the misadventures that the movies have told me I will likely encounter in the “Big City.”

Such Is Life

6 May

Then your cat gets titty cancer and you die alone.

So…here are some true stories from my life that occurred in the past two weeks. I don’t really know what they say about me…how to become a hermit in 30 days or less, tips for a young cat lady, idiots and the people who hate them? All I know is, I’m wasting all my attractive years alone, dealing with the weirdest people possible and that’s not right.

At least it’s funny—in a sad way.

I always get crazy people at work, but rarely do I get people who make me feel freaking uncomfortable. I was dealing with a party of 20, twenty-somethings-my favorite-and half a hour into the meal someone new arrived. Picture this: a young woman dressed in biker gear. Got it? She’s also a lesbian midget in a motorized wheelchair. This was our interaction, note that her responses are highly over sexualized in tone:

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Crazy: I want your glasses on my face.

Me: Can I get you a drink for your mouth?

Crazy: Only if you feed it to me. (Flicks her tongue Gene Simmons style.)

I come back with her Coke.

Crazy: You can’t deny this. I love you.

Kill me.

Normally the only guys that try to flirt with me on the freeway are creepy gardeners. One afternoon, in stopped traffic, a twelve year old boy pops his head out of the back passenger window, points to me and mouths, “You,” points to himself, “Me,” then nods. What  a weirdo, I thought. Two minutes later he did it again to make sure I knew it was for me and made threw a bunch of air kisses and call me hand gestures.

Glad to know I’m popular with under-aged boys, says the girl whose preference is older men.

Just yesterday I had a black guy (duh, the only kind of guy that hits on me on a regular basis) ask me if I would do the Twist with him. I don’t know if that’s some new hip hop term for a sex move or what. He wanted me to hang out with him and his group of friends who tipped me less than 10% on an almost $300 check.

After all this nonsense, I had an emergency and subsequent melt down.

The photo isn’t mine: my skin and cat are not orange, nor are they this small.

One of the few things that doesn’t drive me to punch people in the face is my cat, Mr. Bojangles (yeah, that’s his real name. Do not call him Bojangles if you’re nasty.) I took him to the vet because I felt a lump. The Dr. asked if I’d realized the bump was next to his nipple. No, I don’t particularly enjoy molesting cats, if that’s what you’re getting at. She told me it could be breast cancer…on my male cat. Really? Only I would get a boy cat with titty cancer. After tests, three days of waiting and one bowl of raw cookie dough I am happy to say he’s fine but now I have to feel him up on a regular basis. At least someone in this house will be getting some action.

God had sparred my cat’s life, I was feeling pretty good and emerged from my cave. I drove up to hang out with my Granny’s 92 year old friend to talk about old movies and history. (I’m popular with the underage and senior crowds.) I had dinner with my parents at a friend of the family’s restaurant. The waitress knows them and overhead us talking about seeing Colin Quinn last month.

Waitress: Is that the comedian you guys saw?

Me: Yep.

Waitress: Yea, I watched that special and I didn’t get it.  I don’t think you have good taste in comedians.

Me: Shut your face.

In my experience, a way to get a good tip is to NOT insult your table’s taste in anything. My positive outlook on humanity came crashing back down to reality. I’m back in my writing cave and I won’t be coming out until next month when I go to New York  to visit my friend Taylor. I’m planning on seeing Colin at the Comedy Cellar, because I think he’s fabulous and because I “get it.” Maybe I’ll even meet a nice guy who’s smart….

TCM Film Festival 2012 Day 4: Diamonds and The Derby

27 Apr

So…no one was stoked that the festival had come to an end. Barely anyone was at breakfast that morning and those who were looked a tired mess. Alan and I went to the 9AM showing of ‘To Catch A Thief.’ Ben Mankiewicz introduced it and told the crowd that when he first started at TCM it was in his contract to have a goatee. If he shaved it off he would be in breach of contract. Apparently, that got cut from his current deal and thank God because he looks great without it.

Not much was said about the movie. The only thing I’d be interested in hearing about would be the affair Grace was said have had with Cary (for SIX YEARS) while she was a princess. Let’s face it, Grace Kelly was a total slut. Mel Brooks quoted Alfred Hitchcock ‘s thoughts on his leading lady, “Grace Kelly was the most promiscuous woman I have ever met.” There’s got to be some good gossip the people at TCM know that should be spread on this topic!

Sweet chola eyebrows you got there.

Alan and I went to our last picture of the festival, ‘Call Her Savage.’ It’s a Pre-Code movie, which meant risque topics, no bras…at all (which the fat dude behind me was quick to point out every hard nipple, sick ass) and full term pregnancies that lasted for one month. Before the show a woman from MoMA came to speak about Clara Bow. She prefaced her speech by saying she’d give us juicy details about Clara. Her spiel was about as juicy as beef jerky. Clara Bow was the very first “IT girl.” She was also off her nut, crazy. Her mother tried to kill Clara while she was sleeping, which lead to life long insomnia problems. Clara was also diagnosed with schizophrenia and became a rancher.

That, my good lady, is juicy.

I found the entire movie online, above, and it was one weird frickin’ movie. It was an early talkie so the story doesn’t really have a format like movies today. It’s basically the story of a love child, half Indian (savage), half white girl and her frustration about being so wild. Watch it if you want, it’s kooky.

Since the weather was great…finally— on the last day, Alan and I sat out by the pool. Roger joined us and we watched everyone frolic in the water. Ok, we sat there and judged the crazy looking people at the pool. Tatted up chicks, big hairy guys with pony tails and plate sized nipples. Total fashion plates. Not that I’m one to talk, check this out:

Painfully Pale.

My legs glow. We took a few photos to make sure it wasn’t the camera, but my legs see the light of day almost never and because of this, they are blinding. I did not get the nice, tan-able genes. I don’t belong in the sun and this is proof, thank you British DNA.

Paleface: Clearly, Roger enjoys the sun more frequently than myself.

After about an hour, I had to go inside. We went to a panel about the Brown Derby. I had recently blogged about it, so I was very eager to learn more. Apparently Louella Parson’s had her staff meetings there every week and wanted something low fat put on the menu. The grapefruit cake was born. Grapefruit isn’t fattening but the POUND of butter in the cake totally is. Apparently that cake is Tippi Hedren’s favorite. I don’t love grapefruit, so you can keep that cake Tippi. The day the ‘I Love Lucy’ episode at the Derby premiered, the stars of the show had a big bash at the restaurant. William Frawley, Fred Mertz, introduced Joe Dimaggio to Marilyn Monroe at the Derby as well.

Can you name all the stars' caricatures?

There was a Q&A session afterwards and one guy asked, “Do you know what happened to the Coconut Grove or Ciro’s?” I loudly said to Roger, “How about Google it, lazy ass.” Bitchy yes, but true. The man running the show didn’t really know. Afterwards, I went over to the guy and told him what happened to all the old Hollywood hot spots. He was upset (!!) that the man speaking wrote a book solely based on the Brown Derby and didn’t write a book about other locations. I told him, “Well, you could write one,” and his mother, whom he was traveling with, agreed.

I found Roger and Alan who had found the King of the Krazies. Holy crap. I walked up and this guy, Bob, was bobbing and weaving into my personal space. (And by personal space, I mean I could feel his breath on me.) He told us he had an eye transplant, died on the operating table and will live to see the second coming of Christ, he used to work for Bill Gates, he dug up his dead uncle to get the $8,000 he was buried with…you know, that old chestnut.

We broke away from the crazy train and Alan took me to an (early) birthday dinner at The Grill. He had steak, I had short ribs, it was great and bittersweet because the Festival was on it’s homestretch.

Robert Osborne and myself.

There was a end of road party at Club TCM as well as a line to see Robert Osborne. He wasn’t mingling at breakfasts in the mornings so I waited in line to see him. He told me the festival was a permanent thing now, I snapped a photo and as I got out of line, saw that it had turned into a good hour long cue. Thank God I got there early!

We also got to meet Randal Malone, never heard of him…that’s ok, he’s been in a lot of horror movies and Vincent Price helped craft his “look.”

This guy knows EVERYONE!

He knew/knows all the big stars of Hollywood past. I thought he was partly B.S.-ing me but he is totally legit. He even spoke at Ginger Roger’s funeral! He talked to us about Liza and Mickey Rooney, Luise Rainer and a bunch more. I could have listened to his stories all night but a body guard came and whisked him away.

Ben Mankiewicz

I chatted with Ben Mankiewicz for a while and told him he looks  much better without the goatee. He said the men in charge of the network were the ones who wanted it. I told him that it’s the young female viewers who aren’t close to death that the network should be worried about retaining/pleasing. Earlier that day I was buying some notepads at the little TCM shop in the lobby and Ben was trying to get the cashier’s attention from upstairs. He got it, as well as a nice eye full of my chest.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who talks with their hands.

Because of that he told me he’d seen me earlier that day. “Yep,” I said, “I know. I hope you enjoyed the view.” He knew what I meant and  he did.

Booze Lesson: Lemon Drops are made with VODKA not Tequila, dummy.

I also ordered a lemon drop and the weird little waiter brought me the only lemon drop ever made with tequila. Roger drank mine because I hate that kind of booze…yuck!

Zillah’s daughter introduced me to a mayor of a town in New Jersey. I can’t remember the name of the town but the mayor was super nice. I cruised the room with my favorite Club TCM host, Eric, and played the who’s gay, who’s not gay guessing game. We both have atrocious gaydar.

Zillah, Eric and I before getting booted out of the party at midnight.

After the Club closed at midnight we went to the pool and chatted near the heaters. I learned that Zillah used to sing with Mama Cass…who also stole her gloves, what a jerk.

We didn't start the fire.

After four days and 10 movies, it was sad to say goodbye to my TCM friends but it was a great festival. Next year, hopefully they’ll schedule it later in April for better weather and to coincide with my birthday!

TCM Film Festival 2012 Day 2: Destiny, Destiny, No Escaping That For Me

18 Apr

Igor: Could be worse.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: How?
Igor: Could be raining.

So…I had such a good time at the Vanity Fair Party the night before that I woke up on Friday the 13th with my third hangover ever. I regret nothing. I ended up missing ‘Wings’ and broke my curling iron. It could be worse, it could’ve be raining…ah yes, it actually poured that day! A proper Friday the 13th I’d say.

Mac & Cheese and a French Dip. Perfect for a rainy day.

I met Alan and Roger for lunch. We tried a place at Hollywood & Highland called The Grill and it soon became a favorite place to go. I had cheese for the first time in months and it was great! After lunch Roger tagged out and took a nap while Alan and I went to see ‘20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.’

Kirk Douglas was there to speak. I saw him last year for ‘Spartacus’ and really enjoyed hearing him talk about his career and experiences. He’s 94 and used a cane but he moved so fast that it looked like he was skiing! He was asked if he remembered the song he sang in the film, he more than remembered it, he SANG it right there and had it down verbatim! That movie was made 58 years ago and he still knew it. What a pro!

I had never seen the film and it was beautiful on the big screen. I also developed a crush on the bearded, turtleneck wearing, salt & pepper haired Captain Nemo, played by James Mason. Mason was great as Mr. Norman Maine in ‘A Star is Born’, but wasn’t a sophisticated stud like Nemo. And no, Mom, he was NOT gay. Mason was married twice and had two kids, but I’m sure that’s not good enough evidence that my gaydar is improving. Bah!

Vertigo or LSD trip?

As soon as the film finished, we hopped back in line for ‘Vertigo’ and there was a LINE for that sucker. Kim Novak was speaking before hand so all the older men were hot and bothered over it. I’ve never been a huge Kim Novak fan. She’s not an amazing actress, she was pretty, that’s about it to me, I’m sure I’d feel differently if I were a dude.

Hot ladies of the world: STOP GETTING PLASTIC SURGERY!

Robert Osborne asked who had NOT seen the movie, I raised my hand. A gay dude behind me bitchily said, “You’ve never seen Vertigo?” and gave me a dismissive hand gesture. I gave him a “you’re a prick” facial expression Bea Arthur would have been proud of. Robert said that it was one of the best movies ever made. I rarely disagree with him but I will on this one. I thought the pace was really slow, I didn’t like Jimmy Stewart as a love interest and the ending where Novak gets scared by a nun makes NO sense.One thing EVERYONE at the Festival agreed on was, what the crap happened to her face? I know not everyone can age like Debbie Reynolds but jamming collagen into your face is NOT the answer.

Not an empty seat in the house!

We hustled down to the Egyptian to see the movie I’d waited all day for, ‘Young Frankenstein’ with Mel Brooks!! There was a honkin’ line for that one too. I mean, come on, Frankenstein, Mel Brooks, Friday the 13th, I’d say it was…destiny. What do you think Gene?

I saw Mel speak before when he spoke at ‘The Producers’ during the first TCM Festival and he was a doll. (Mel was married to Anne Bancroft aka Mrs. Robinson. I recently dated a guy who didn’t know of the character, or even the song, Mrs. Robinson. That relationship was dead in the water after I found that out.) Mel is 85, looks great, has the same fantastic voice and is quick as a whip, hilarious! I was in the third row from the front, he only spoke for 10 minutes but I could have listened to him for days. Here’s part of his interview, it’s a little grainy, but you get the gist of it.

The whole crowd was totally into the movie and laughed their asses off even though everyone had probably seen it a million times before. If you haven’t, do yourself a favor and go watch it now!

When the movie ended it was almost midnight. I bought a new curling iron, then hit the sack.

TCM Film Festival 2012 Day 1: Divine Decadence,Darling!

17 Apr

Screening of Cabaret on Thursday at the 2012 TCM Classic Film Festival in Hollywood, California. 4/12/12

So…I’ve been looking forward to my first vacation in a year for a while now. Well, for almost a year actually! On Thursday I took Roger with me for my third TCM Film Festival. I had such a great time at the Roosevelt last year that we stayed there again. We got there early enough to lounge by the pool before I had to leave to get all fancied up before the big red carpet event later that night.

The sun came out for a hot second while we lounged by the pool.

Clearly, I don’t belong in the sun, nor do I spend any amount of time in it, so we headed inside after a few minutes. Club TCM was already poppin,’ we ran into Kevin, this was his third festival as well. He was planning on seeing 15-17 films at the Festival. Whoa!

The TCM photographer caught me telling Roger a story.

The famous Givenchy dress that Audrey Hepburn wore in ‘Sabrina’ was on display at the Club. I was very excited to see it because I’ve been in love with that dress since I was 12!  Audrey really was a stick, I couldn’t fit my leg into it!

THE dress.

I left Roger and went down to Studio DNA to get my hair and make up done. I bumped into a lady I met there from the festival last year, Jessica, who’s young son is a HUGE TCM fan. She’s always fun to chat with and I was happy to see her again. When I got back to the hotel, Roger and I went and got our TCM goodies before getting dressed. My bag weighed about 15 pounds and I was so excited to see what was in there.  Until I pulled out this cup…

I can't get away from Disney.

Alan, from last year, called and said he was in the lobby. I threw my dress on and Roger put on one of his gorgeous suits and we headed out! The lobby was packed with people drinking, eating and chatting before the movie. Alan happened to find Zillah, a super funny and feisty lady we met at last year’s Vanity Fair party. There was also a line to get your photo taken, but that seemed a little too Prom like, so we all passed on that treat.

Reunited: Alan, Zillah, and myself.

Alan, Roger and I all headed over to Grauman’s. As soon as we stepped onto the red carpet we heard the crowd roar. Now, I know I’m a fun chick but my ego is not so out of whack that I thought it was for me! So I turn to my left and saw that we were entering at the same time as Liza…with a Z!


Whatever anyone says about her looking bad is a load of crap! She looked fantastic! Because everyone spazzed out when she arrived, the security tried to push us down the carpet and into the theater. Yeah…no. I had to take pictures, last year I only got two on the carpet and I was determined to change that this year!

Holding a pose while security tried to get pushy. Tough luck, fellas!

Roger fits right in on the red carpet!

As we moved down the Yellow Brick Road and I spotted one of my favorite stars, Debbie Reynolds!

Me and the back of Debbie's fabulous head!

Sure my photo with her wasn’t as good as the one from last year, but beggars can’t be choosers! I did find a better one of us on the TCM website.

Where's Waldo? Debbie Reynolds on the red carpet on Thursday at the 2012 TCM Classic Film Festival in Hollywood, California. 4/12/12 (with Roger and I)

As you can see there were bleachers set up for the fans to watch the arrivals. It’s actually a really great idea if you want to see a bunch of stars all at once…and who doesn’t? In those seats I saw Kevin and his parents.

Kevin, in the back row, with his parents (on the left..the ones that look like him!)

I didn’t snap a photo of all the celebrities I saw there but some notables were Larry Hagman, Patrick Duffy and Linda Grey. Apparently Dallas is a TV show again because God forbid Hollywood have any new ideas anymore.

Alan and I before heading in to get some popcorn.

In the lobby of Grauman’s were a bunch of gorgeous old costumes and Mickey Rooney, who was just hanging out. He’s 91 and looks pretty freakin’ good considering the fact that he’s out lived his costars by decades!

Liz Taylor's dress, designed by Edith Head, from ' Place in the Sun.'

Liz Taylor's jewelry from 'Cleopatra.'

We took a seat and ended up sitting one row behind Mickey Rooney, that was pretty cool. A woman with HUGE titties sat next to him…good for him. Robert Osborne talked to Liza, Joel Grey and Michael York. Liza is fantastic but that woman can not finish a sentence to save her life. Everything goes like this, ” How was Fosse?  He was, (makes a noise and shakes her whole body), you know!” WHAT? That is not an answer, but everything freaking LOVED it!!

The movie was great, I related to Sally Bowles and her HORRIBLE gaydar. Poor thing, I know how it goes. (Makes a noise and shakes my whole body.)

Now THIS is a party!

After the movie, the Spotlight passholders were funneled into buses and taken to the Vanity Fair Party on Sunset Blvd. We sat next to Bill Wellman Jr.’s wife. She was very nice and talked to us about the original ‘A Star is Born,’ ‘Wings’ and her famous father in law.

I am the second person in my family to go to a party for Liza Minnelli. My Grandma went to a party thrown for Liza’s first birthday. Apparently she was given a doll that she didn’t like and tossed it on the ground. Her manners have improved!

Inside the Vanity Fair Party.

Roger wasn’t with us for this one so, after getting a drink, Alan and I sat out in the courtyard near a fire and ended up seeing Patrick Duffy & Eva Marie Saint. We moved inside when it started to rain, it does that sometimes in LA, and listened to the  great band playing over the bar. Typical of Hollywood parties, the booze was flowing, the food was almost nonexistent! We stayed until they told us to leave, a little after midnight. The buses dropped us back at the Roosevelt, we had some fries at 25 Degrees and I made it back to the room at about 3AM-ish because I had to get up for breakfast at 8AM. Roger was already passed out. A sign of a successful first day!

The Biz

2 Apr

So…Roger and I have been playing the board game ‘Scene It: TCM’ in preparation for the TCM Film Festival. They announced there will be a trivia competition and I need to dominate all those old timers I’ll be playing against! I have a major beef with the Scene It game. If you roll a particular side of the die you have to pull a “Biz” card.

Screw those.

Biz cards are, 99% of the time, going to kick you in the face when you’re on a roll. They are based on movie plots and tell you to move ahead or, lose a turn, or (more likely) move back. Example: You’re a wheel chair bound ex-celebrity who’s sister tries to feed you dead rats. It could be worse, they could be alive. Move one space ahead. – What Ever Happened To Baby Jane

Here are a few of my ideas for Biz cards, except mine are based on Old Hollywood Scandals.

Vincent Minnelli and Judy Garland

  • Congratulations! You just got married…to Vincent Minnelli. Move two spaces back for your horrible lack of gaydar.
Poor Judy, not only was her father a closeted gay man but she married MGM director, Vincent Minnelli, another closet case. They had one child, Liza, who went on to become a superstar in the gay world with horrible gaydar of her own since she  married human freak show, David Gest.

Louella Parsons

  • You saw William Randolph Hearst put a bullet into Thomas Ince’s skull. He gives you a lifetime contract to keep you quiet. Move ahead two spaces for not snitching on your boss.
Louella Parsons was a wannabe Hollywood gossip columnist when she was invited to Thomas Ince’s birthday party, thrown by Davies & Hearst, on a fancy yacht. After Ince’s murder, Hearst offered Parsons a LIFETIME contract with his papers to keep her mouth shut.

Paul Bern napping.

  • Honey, I’m home. You come home to find your new husband has blown his brains out. You call the big boys at MGM to clean up the scene before calling the cops. Move 3 spaces ahead for looking out for your career.
Four months after her wedding to Paul Bern, Jean Harlow came home to find her husband killed himself. Or did he? There are two different scenarios that the studio tried to cover up. One, Bern was murdered by his abandoned (common law wife) Dorothy Millette, who then committed suicide by drowning, jumping overboard from the  Delta King on the way to Sacramento, CA. Two, he committed suicide due to impotence. If you’re married to the hottest bombshell in the land and you can’t get it up, that’s embarrassing. Jean called her bosses at MGM who came in and cleaned up the scene. The cops were called TWO HOURS later. The studio decided not to let out the knowledge of his ex and have the death be announced as a suicide because , ” it would be better for Jean Harlow’s career that she not appear as a woman who couldn’t hold a husband.”

  • You risked your career and wrote the a movie based on the most powerful newspaper man in the world, Hearst, but Orson Welles tries to steal the credit. Lose one turn while you wait for the Screen Writers Guild to decide who should get credit.
Herman Mankiewicz was a part of the Hearst inner circle. He became friends with Orson Welles and they made ‘Citizen Kane’ together. Welles told Louella Parsons that he wrote the film. That pissed off Mankiewicz, it would piss off anyone in that position actually, and he went to the Screen Writers Guild in protest. Welles said he planned on a joint credit the whole time. Mankiewicz claimed that Welles offered him ten thousand dollars if he would let Welles take full credit. The Guild said Mankiewicz’s name would go first but there would be a joint credit.
Hopefully not everyone knew about all those scandals. I also hope I stop pulling crappy Biz cards while I brush up on trivia.
Oh, and yes, I won the game.

Nobody Does It Better

30 Mar

So…last weekend marked the one year anniversary of Liz Taylor’s death. I recently finished reading  Furious Love, a book about her affair/marriage(s) with Richard Burton. I realize that entire relationship was fueled by epic amounts of booze, but there’s still something about a really intense celebrity relationship that intrigues me. They’re supposed to be filled with over the top jewels, passion, parties and fighting that I, as a peasant, do not get to experience. With all the media surrounding them, celebrities today aren’t doing a great job keeping up the long tradition of gilded train wrecks. There’s Liz & Dick, Woody Allen & Soon Yi,  Wallis & David, Anderson & Lee, Davies & Hearst, Prince & Apollonia,  Napoleon & Josephine.  I could go back further but not everyone is a history buff like me. (Let’s face it, knowing who Liz Taylor and Richard Burton were is a stretch for some people!)

Really, what do we have today:

I guess when you wear a long, heavy dress, it's nice to air it out, right Angie?

Brad and Angie met making a movie and she broke up his marriage. Everyone thought they were the new Liz & Dick. What a let down!  Her headlines are nothing compared to Liz. She’s so skeletal that it makes the news when she eats a Big Mac. You’re an A lister, you can do better. I don’t even eat at McDonald’s for God’s sake, and I’m a nobody! When Liz Taylor was shooting Cleopatra, she had chili from Chasen’s in Beverly Hills FLOWN to her in Rome. That’s how you place an order!

Let’s not even talk about jewels.

In case you thought it looked small: 33.19 carat D color, flawless Asscher cut diamond ring with two diamonds adorning the sides, was sold for $8.8 million after Liz's death.


You lose Brad.

You know I love older dudes, go Marion!

L & D were not the first. I’ve talked about Marion Davies and Baller status Hearst before, but if anyone could out do Burton, it’s my boy Hearst. He bought Marion a beach house, jewels, movie studios, and wrote her love letters every night. What a guy! He and Marion had a torrid affair for decades and cheated on each other multiple times. If Liz Taylor was jealous, Hearst took it up a notch and straight up popped a cap in Thomas Ince. Why? Thomas was talking to Marion and from behind he looked like Charlie Chaplin, the guy Marion was doinking on the side (and on top and under). Let’s see Jen Aniston try something like that! Hearst got a doctor to take the bullet out of the dude’s brain and got him cremated before any investigation happened. He was never charged with anything! Owning the police, like I said, baller status.

Patricia Lake. Come on! She totally looks like Hearst. Who were they trying to fool?

Angie and Brad have a collection of children from around the world and have popped out a bunch of their own. Yawn.  A secret love child, wayyyyyyyyy more interesting. Even Diana Ross agrees with me! Tell ’em all about it Supremes.

They used to have those ALL the time in Hollywood. (Clark Gable’s, who looked JUST like him, died this year.) Marion and Hearst also had a love child that the Hearst family denies TO THIS DAY…even though she’s buried in Marion’s crypt.

I'm sorry Madonna ruined your love story with her dump hole of a movie.

And then there’s Wallis Simpson and David Windsor, ex-King of England. Yea, he gave up a country to be with her…top that everyone on this list. They were exiled to France, never to return to England (until David kicked the bucket) and had to deal with the horrible amounts of press. They didn’t have any friends who understood what this was like until they became pals with—Liz and Dick. True story.

With the stupid amounts of money people get paid to make movies now, it really shouldn’t be that hard for them to try to become the relationship Hindenburgs we all want to watch.