NEW POST

6 Jul

NEW POST over on my NEW SITE!!!!

Advertisements

MOVIN ON UP!!

29 Jun

jeffersons

Hey! I jumped ship and am now over at Squarespace with laurensemar.com

Please head over there and check out my new blog and SUBSCRIBE!!!!

 

A Book by Desi Arnaz PLUS an Unsolved Mystery!

11 May

So…this was one of the best autobiographies I’ve ever read. Desi Arnaz was someone who got made fun of for his accent, but as a writer, he simplifies the inner workings of early TV and has a better vocabulary than most people I speak with on a daily basis! This is super fast paced, so if you do read this (which you totally should!!) you won’t be able to put it down until it’s done.

Also, there is one mystery in the book that even I can’t figure out. If you can, PLEASE let me know!!

#Spring Book Haul

2 May

IMG_2054So…My Spring Book Haul is up on my Booktube channel. I talk about books I picked up at TCMFF, the LA Times Book Fair and from my birthday. All the books are linked on youtube if you scroll down and hit SHOW MORE. HAPPY READING!!

HOLLYWOOD PARTY

4 Mar

 

bdeye

Here’s to you…tube!

 

So….I’ve started a youtube channel called HOLLYWOOD PARTY. I read a lot of books about Old Hollywood, shocker, and I tell you which ones are good and maybe introduce you to some new (old) stars that you might really enjoy. In addition to that, I’ve been writing my book, which is why this blog doesn’t see much action…for now. Please check out the old youtubes, and LIKE and SUBSCRIBE to HOLLYWOOD PARTY.

Cats Rule…

25 Aug

1800

So….I mentioned to my boyfriend that it’s hard to find posts that are safe to write about because the topics I think would make excellent posts would most likely piss him and/or other people off. “Who cares, do it anyways,” he says. Cool, we’ll see how this horrible idea goes after I publish this.

Being in Los Angeles has made me hate dogs and dog owners. Don’t like that statement? Me neither, but you dogs owners made me that way, so…

bird

And I don’t care. I’m a cat owner, cats don’t care if you like them..they’re not insecure like dogs/dog owners. That’s far too exhausting. Don’t like us, cool, we’ll stay at home, watch Golden Girls and eat Cheese Its. I used to like dogs. I had some fantastic ones as a kids and I still know a hand full of good dogs. If I know your dog and I’ve told you I like your dog, then I mean you, if not, your dog’s gross, get away from me.

dog piss

One thing that really grosses me out is that everything is now a dog toilet. Park your car on the street, there’s a strip of grass before you get to the sidewalk. You have to walk through dog piss before you can go to your destination. And don’t tell me it’s water….we’re in a drought d-bag, that’s dog piss that I’m forced to trek through because everyone in an apartment thinks they should get a dog. Wrong. If you have a yard, get a dog. Dogs belong outside. “No, dogs are inside animals.” Wrong, again. The neighbor’s dog is constantly trying to break out of the studio apartment it’s in because it needs more room… to be a gross dog.

cat drinking

Cats are inside animals. Take a cat outside and see how that works out for you. I only take my cat outside when he has to go to the vet and that’s more than enough for both of us. Cats don’t really like the outdoor thing, because they are smart. They have food, water, your bed and your couch to sleep on…why leave? Outside is hell. I wish I never had to go out there, it smells like dog shit.

https://vine.co/v/O2bqlMVvp0u/embed/simplehttps://platform.vine.co/static/scripts/embed.js

Unlike dog owners, I don’t force people to interact with my pet or me for that matter. Dog people need to take a step back. I don’t want your dog smelling my crotch when I’m just trying to walk to Barnes and Noble at the Grove. I know you think its cute, because you implore me to agree with you so I can get the hell away from you, but it’s not.

hugging lionAfter that Cecil the Lion thing caused such an uproar (har-har) I got to thinking that pure bred dogs are more torture than popping off a lion. And EVERYONE seems to be ok with freaky, weird, pure breds.  Don’t think purebreds are torture…let me inform you on how wrong you are.

bulldogs

Before/After…good job humans, sick bastards.

My boyfriend’s dog is an English Bulldog, they are basically the Frankensteins of the dog world. “Oh they’re so cute.” Shut the hell up right now, your dumb ass is probably thinking of the puppies. I still think they are gross looking but yeah, most puppies are ok. Flash forward to an adult dog. Bulldogs are prime candidates for a sleep apnea masks, they sound like an old man when they sleep because their face look like they were chasing a car that stopped suddenly. They also fart non stop….not cute little toots…again, like being with an old man who only eats cabbage soup and brussel sprouts. Yummers.They also don’t have tails so they leave little shit marks every time they sit down. A true delight. They also can not give birth naturally, they have to have a C-section because breeders have fucked them up so much. Let that sink in….

They can’t even give birth!! Nature is even saying STOP!

stupid bulldogs

Think I’m being a biased asshole…I am, but I’m also not wrong. This is from a NY Times article about how people are over breeding bulldogs, “bulldogs are significantly more likely than other dogs to suffer from a wide range of health issues, including ear and eye problems, skin infections, respiratory issues, immunological and neurological problems and locomotor challenges. (Statistics released in 2010 by the Orthopedic Foundation for Animals revealed that bulldogs have the highest rate of hip dysplasia of any breed.)”

You sound like a real attractive bred of dog.

You sound like a real attractive breed of dog.

The bulldog I have to deal with has eye problems, her ear canals have hardened, she has trouble standing up, her skin is a mess, smells like hell, she gets UTIs all the time, had kidney stones and since April had explosive diarrhea to the point she was always in a diaper. She lost something like 20 pounds in less than 6 months. I know what you’re thinking ladies, where can I catch that disease?

mostly dead

If I were a smarter person, I would have shut the hell up and let that poor excuse for a pet die because, clearly, she was well on her way. But I’m not that smart.  I piped up and the dog went to a new vet and she is “better.” She’s not wearing a diaper but still shits when she eats. Kill me now.

What I’m really trying to say is, stop getting purebreds, it’s not OK and…

cats rule

“Cat’s rule. Dogs drool.” Homeward Bound. Never forget.

My favorite kind of dog…animated.

I’ve Made A Huge Mistake

26 Jul

hmj

So…last year I quit serving and started assisting in a salon in Beverly Hills, all so I could have more time to write. Scroll down to my last blog post. It’s dated December 1st. That went well, didn’t it? Normally, my writing is the best when I’m annoyed with something. My assisting job took me way past annoyed, all the way to soul crushing shit fest. While serving, I said white women are among the worst people to serve. So what did I do? Start to work in the state’s capital of entitled, rude, and incredibly dumb, white women. And in a profession that is 99.9% women. Genius.

llhm

The clients were not as bad as “the ladies” I worked with . I understand if you are 18-22 and currently in a sorority and that’s all you’re about. Cool, fine. If you are in your mid to late 30’s and are constantly saying, “D G,” or “Zeta,”  look in the mirror. Hard. That 22 year old is gone and that bought and paid for sisterhood crap makes me want to puke. I never got a lunch and couldn’t go to the bathroom unless I asked permission. Power trip much? What I really adored  were the shitty comments about my weight. Really, a treat. So, between being miserable, poor and not writing, I finally ended that job. Struggling is not worth it sometimes. I’ve worked since I was fourteen and a half and to truly HATE a job, messed me up. Severing can be frustrating but in all the years I have been serving, I think I’ve cried twice because of it. Working with mean, mean girls turned me into a hot mess.

kill yourself jenna

I will never assist anywhere again. It’s basically indentured servitude, and I’m too old and don’t care enough about hair to do that again. So, while going for drinks at TCMFF this year, I literally ran into an old manager of mine. He asked what I was doing in a hour…it’s TCM, drinking. Duh. He told me to come down and meet his GM, so in between martinis I got a job. Serving at a touristy location (Hollywood and Highland) seemed like a perfect fit with my background. Great, I got hired… and then didn’t get trained for one and a half months.

potcat

Again, I was at a terrible job, I couldn’t handle the INCREDIBLY terrible tips and trashy clientele. This place was pretty much Chuck E. Cheese for adults. My first night there I had to get security to kick a guy, who was strung out on heroin, off one of my tables. Since I’m a white devil, I can’t say what I really think and KNOW to be true as a server, I will let this clip from Louie do it for me.

My co workers were nice, that’s the only good thing I can say about the place.

igoterrands

Now I’m back at an Italian joint. It’s much nicer than the last Italian restaurant I worked at. Why? There are NO HIGH CHAIRS. I thought I died and went to Heaven. The only nuisance I have are the overly medicated housewives who can’t remember what they ordered and want to fight about it. I guess being wealthy and not having to work can be really stressful for some people. I’d love to try it out and let you know but, that’s not in the cards yet. Now that I’m back in my comfort zone, I’ve started writing again and I’ve been out to see 3 different classic films this week alone.

I tried something new and it sucked a fat choad. Sure, I was mad for a little while, but I’m not married and don’t have any kids, so I have the freedom to try new things. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, everyone my age who has children and thinks they are superior.

I’m Watching You

1 Dec
DIRT

Actually, I am mad at you AND the dirt.

So….I’m getting really fed up with how DISGUSTING adult women are. I’m surrounded by them all day at work so I have plenty of time to obverse them in all their foul glory. I don’t know why I’m a germ freak. Probably because I grew up with Joan Crawford reincarnated as my father (impossible since they both lived during the same time…but you get the picture…TINA!!) or from working at the most disgusting theme park on Earth. Watching kids eat boogers or deep dig their b-holes and parents change dirty diapers in a restaurant made me think everyone is gross as hell. I’m not wrong. Either way, people gross me out and now, let me share how my mind works to freak you out.

life's going down the toliet

Like most people, I require the usage of the bathroom while I’m at work. One day, while washing my hands, I noticed the soap was out on one of the sinks. Another woman came out of a different stall and used the soapless sink. I told her it was out and she said, “Oh, whatever.”

hmmmmmm

Seriously? You’re disgusting. That was NOT the only time I encountered women NOT washing their hands. Women, what is going on? I don’t care how many layers of toilet paper were between you and your butt, the bottom of your palm and your wrist were open to the a stray fart or dingle berry…or worse, a queef. Then, what are you going to do? Touch the door that I need to touch, cups, your cellphone! Yea, your cellphone will have fart residue. Sick ass.

bitch face

Didn’t wash your hands? Hmm.

 

Also, how about making sure the automatic flushing toilet ACTUALLY flushes so no one else has to share in that watery deuce.  Is it grossing you out?? Yeah I know! It is gross. I’m sure some weirdos will think I’m doing some form of shaming. I am. This is gross, everyone who sees this occurring in real life should give a bitch look or make a comment under their breath or if you have guts…to the nasty ass face of the disgusting, non-hand washers out there.

 

What’s In A Name?

26 Sep

stupid

So…I’m at the age where everyone is pushing out spawn. Some people my age already have THREE kids. Damn, simmer down. I know there’s not much to do in Bakersfield, but there’s more to do than breed. Play some Canasta or something. I know it’s natural and, if the people aren’t dumb asses, is a good thing; but there is something that has been SUPER annoying to me lately.

I work in Beverly Hills now (la de frickin’ dah) so the world of stupid names has opened up like a blossoming flower…the one that smells like dead people.  I don’t really know what these women are thinking. Are they mad because the babies jacked up their bodies  so they’re taking it out on the kid?  With some of these dumb ass names, these poor kids is going to get their asses beat as soon as they hit pre-school!

carlton

Aslan. If you’re thinking, “Oh God, that kid can’t be named after the fictional lion from ‘The Lion The Witch & The Wardrobe!?!’ Think again. I know of one child with that name. I thought it was a boy….nope.  I’m sure that her parents will tell her she can do whatever she wants to do…think again, not with that name, kid.

Naming children after types of fabric. The only person I could see doing this and getting away with it would be Martha Stewart because she’s super into crafts. Anyone else, NO.

italian

Any Italian name. This one just pisses me off because 99% of these kids are NOT ITALIAN, they’re like….Aryan race looking babies whose last name is Smith. I’m not Chinese, so I wouldn’t name my kid some Chinese name. All these girls are named Bella, that means beautiful. News flash, a LOT of these girls are going to have self-esteem issues when they figure out their name is a lie. Enjoy those therapy bills.

Douche bag names. You know what I’m talking about. The names that were ruined for you because a d-bag you knew growing up had them. Why would you force your child into douche baggery? This category casts a WIDE net in my book. Any name ending with -den, -ton,-lynn, anyone named after an item the parents can NEVER afford, anyone named after a town/country they will never go to and are not from, anyone naming their child after a fucking PRISON!

maggie

What the hell happened to naming your kid after a grandparent? Here’s an example: my Grandmother’s name is Mary. NORMAL. The only jokes about that name refer to the mother of our Lord and Savior…better than being name fun of because you’re named after a porn star. (Mackenzie ,Reily, Brooklyn, Madison…..you know, named after their father’s favorite. Classy!)

I know you can name your kid whatever you want, doesn’t make it right. Also, not all of the names I’ve heard recently are stupid, but if you have a baby and are questioning if this post is directed at you…then yes, it is.

Bangarang, Robin

11 Aug

peter pan

So…I don’t really feel like smiling for the rest of the week after hearing this depressing as fuck news today. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Robin Williams affected my generation’s childhood tremendously. Between 1989-1998 he was in NINE films that were for kids. Don’t want to look them up, I respect your laziness and honesty: Dead Poets’ Society, Hook, Furngully, Aladdin, Toys, Mrs. Doubtfire, Jumanji, Jack, and Flubber. As you read that list I’m sure you said to yourself, “Oh I loved that movie, that one was good too…oh man.” Yeah, this is shitty.

ruffio

I know some people who don’t like Hook, I believe those people have no soul. I can’t watch that movie without crying. It’s got everything, nostalgia, fear of growing up, old people, parents connecting with kids, early cellphones, Dustin Hoffman in drag again (that wig, guys), Christmas time.  I can’t even watch that movie right now because I’ll lose my marble….just like Tootles.

rodney

When I was 2nd grade Aladdin came out and like every new Disney movie, that was the coolest shit I had ever seen. I had all the books, coloring books, had the soundtrack MEMORIZED. But the best character was, duh, the Genie. The character was pre-Shrek and had plenty of jokes just for the parents…and the weird little kid, me, who knew who Groucho Marx, Rodney Dangerfield and Jack Nicholson were. I remember telling my teacher that I wanted to be like Robin Williams and Bette Milder. That kind of freaked her out because, as I would find out as I got older, both of those celebrities were realllllllly raunchy prior to the Disney-fication of their careers.

doubtfire

Best makeover scene in filmdom is in Mrs. Doubtfire. It was Robin at his best, Gloria Swanson, Cuban woman, old Yiddish lady, Streisand….all with Harvey Firestein. What more could you want? I have a Scottish grandmother and all of my friends thought she was like Mrs. Doubtfire….except not a dude.

robin

I’m pretty sure everyone had to watch this in their high school English class. Partly because it was a great film and partly because the teacher showing it wished they still  had the passion Robin had for his students. Hell, I wish I had an English teacher that passionate, he was kick ass in this movie.

hug

Not that anyone is a fan of death, but suicides are horrible. I’m not a super genius like him, but I’m sure it wasn’t easy living in that amazing, wacky brain. Hopefully people will rediscover some of his films and hilarious stand up specials. And, on a side note, although this event put the kibosh on the terrible idea of Mrs. Doubtfire 2, I am CERTAIN it will not stop Disney from making their 53rd Aladdin movie.